No fear of death. Interpret gray weather positively. Eating mashed potatoes by hand. Eat mold?

October 28, 2024.

It is 5:12 AM. It was a little too cold to sleep on the carpet, so I put on a sweater. I had several dreams, but I can only remember the last one, in which I was riding in a tank and attacking some enemy positions. Then a colleague joined me with a different type of tank. However, when an enemy tank appeared that was too strong for us, we quickly drove back. We parked the tanks, took a break, and when we wanted to return to the tanks, they suddenly disappeared. We searched for them in a large building with many doors, which was like a maze, and I got frustrated in the dream about why there were so many doors and how easy it was to get lost.

It is 7:30 AM, and I am now awake. I dreamed that I went shopping in a store and then returned to the last shared flat. However, the apartment looked a bit different. There, Lara and I were throwing a ball back and forth in my room while listening to music. My other two roommates, Thomas and Lina, were talking loudly, and Lara complained that they were so loud because we couldn’t really hear the music. Then Thomas peeked into my room and asked if Lara wanted to come to the store, but didn’t ask me. The three of them went to the store, and I was angry and hurt. I opened the window to see if they were talking behind my back. But then I decided to follow them. When I was leaving the apartment, I somehow forgot where the exit of the building was. I opened the neighbor's door and then another one until eventually some other guy came out of his apartment and I followed him outside. Before that, I cuddled with Lara in her bed, but I can’t remember that scene very well.

Outside, it is dark, gray, and cold. Just the view from the window makes me feel a bit melancholic. I tend to have a negative attitude towards this kind of weather. But it shouldn't be that way. I will sit down with a cup of tea and think about positive aspects of the supposedly bad, gray weather, so that I can let go of this negative attitude that brings me nothing but emotional gloom.

I have noted the following points and read them several times so that my mind (ego, in the language of Eckhart Tolle) sees the gray weather positively:

• The trees are losing their leaves, and animals are preparing for winter. The gray days remind me that I should also slow down - in harmony with nature.
• Even when the sky is gray, autumn brings unique colors to the landscape. The red, yellow, and brown of the leaves provide a beautiful contrast to the gray tones of the sky.
• Gray and cooler weather invite me to cozy up indoors – with a blanket, a hot tea or coffee, a candle, and maybe a good book or podcast.
• The melancholic atmosphere of autumn weather can make me more creative.
• The gray days give me the opportunity to slow down a bit and reflect on the year that is coming to an end before winter and, ultimately, the new year begins.
• Autumn symbolizes letting go, as the trees shed their leaves. This phase of nature can remind me that I, too, need to let go of the old in order to make room for the new.
• Autumn brings its own smells and flavors: the earthy aroma of leaves, the scent of rain, and the fresh, cool air. A wonderful change from summer!
• After gray weather, sunny weather is all the more beautiful!

While I was preparing breakfast for my mother and me, I noticed while cutting the peppers that one part was a bit moldy. In the past, I would have thrown the entire pepper away. Now, after my fascination with microorganisms, including fungi, I simply ate it.

No, just kidding – I'm not that far along yet. 😄 I just cut off the moldy part. Still, I was curious about what might happen if I ate mold:

• The molds found on foods in Central Europe usually do not produce toxins that have immediate health effects even in the smallest amounts. There is no cause for concern with small quantities.
• If I feel nauseous after taking a bite of moldy bread, it is more likely that it's a psychosomatic reaction rather than poisoning.

After I continued to revise the titles of old diary entries, uploaded more photos, and uploaded my old ideas notebook (see 2016), I came across the diary entry about Grandpa Gogi's death. That made me briefly sad.

It’s not just the closeness to the person, but also my aversion to death itself that makes me sad. I wonder how it would be if I could interpret death positively – would the sadness then diminish? After all, it helped my mother when Grandpa Yura died that I told her he wasn’t really dead, but in heaven.

I also discovered Kurt Tepperwein on this topic; he has good approaches to overcoming the fear of death. Vera Birkenbihl (one of my role models) also has good tips for that. Let me summarize what I learned:

• If I look in the mirror and say, "That is my body," then I cannot be the body. Therefore, to reduce the fear of death, it helps not to identify with my own body. I am not the body; I come to this Earth and receive a body to gain experiences.
• Regarding the loss of loved ones: You cannot lose anyone because you do not own anyone.
• Do not assume that I have a single life. After death, life continues. Death is like a graduation. After that, you go to university. This strong belief frees me from the fear of death.
• Eliminate the concept of hell from your mind. Hell was only designed to manipulate people more easily using the fear of death.

After this research on freeing myself from the fear of death, I came up with an idea: To always remind myself that life continues after death, I implemented something in my diary. Can you find it?

“I cannot escape death, but at least I can escape the fear of it” - Epictetus.

The integration of death gave me the idea to change the design of the website a little. I removed the title “The Diary of Alexander Fufaev” and added “Birth” and “Life”.

Today, for the first time, I ate mashed potatoes with my hands. That’s also possible. If I had used a spoon, I would surely have burned my tongue on the mashed potatoes like I did in the past.

My mother finds that disgusting and uncivilized.

Until tomorrow! 😋

I am grateful today for:

• Being at peace with death.
• Seeing the gray weather a little more positively now.
• Having breakfast with Mom again after a long time.

Continue Reading