My First Ecstatic Dance. My Sister Wants to Sue Me. Tara, the Most Beautiful Brunette in the World. Afraid of My Diary?

August 21, 2024. Today, I got up earlier because I have a drive ahead of me.

The morning started quite tumultuously because my sister messaged me. She threatens to sue me if I don't change the passages about her. She claimed that I used her last name or her husband's, which is not true. The last name is completely altered. That really got under my skin. I am willing to change a few things about her, but I haven't done anything defamatory or anything like that. Therefore, I don't see why I should delete everything. If she wants to sue me, let her do it. Or we simply don't meet again...

On my way to the meeting point, my driving instructor called me and informed me that today's driving lesson was canceled. So, we postponed it. At that moment, I was holding the book "If Everyone Likes You, No One Takes You Seriously." Maybe I should have insisted that the driving lesson take place today? But it wasn't so bad that I needed to take any action against it.

I then strolled through the relatively empty city in the morning and sat down in a sunny spot, with a decaffeinated cappuccino in hand.

While sipping my coffee and soaking up the sun, I thought about the situation with my diary and whether I might be violating personal rights or doing something generally unlawful.

I can't understand why I should remove interactions with my family, even if I have completely changed their names. How does one even write biographies or books about difficult family relationships if one is not allowed to name anything? For example, if someone writes about abuse in the family, they don't just say, "I have bruises, but I don't know from whom." Instead, they write, "I have bruises because my father hit me." Above all, I am not distorting any facts. But how can one even talk about facts when I have changed the names and everything... Pfff. I don't know what to do. I would prefer to continue writing my diary. I enjoy writing about my life.

On the other hand, I notice that my diary, once discovered by people I interact with, causes them to turn away from me. Even though I have become significantly more extroverted, approaching others more and interacting with them more intensely, my diary prevents me from forming deeper connections. People don't want to appear in my diary, even if their names are changed. I think my diary is one of the reasons why I am still a loner these days. I definitely do not want to be a permanent loner. I want deeper connections, but I also want to continue writing my diary.

I have an appointment with an affordable quick legal consultation at 10:00 AM. They will call me and advise me a little.

My mother called me. When I saw her name on my phone's display, I thought, "Oh shit, now there’s going to be trouble." But when I picked up, I heard a friendly "Good morning." She was very cheerful and even suggested having breakfast at my place. She now always reads my diary so that she knows how I am doing, she says. Oh dear, I don’t know if that’s good or bad. 😄 And now she also knows that I’m getting a driver's license. She was happy about that.

During breakfast with my mother, I also received a call from the legal consultation in the area of data protection. After about a 10-minute conversation, I was just as clueless as before. The only thing I learned is that my sister can take civil action against me and that I should "be careful." But I already knew that. Now I spent the 20€ for nothing. You probably have to invest much more to get reasonable legal advice. Anything else is just wasted money.

I started setting up the kitchen, and my mother came to help me. Unfortunately, we didn’t have the right tools, so she texted Tobi, and he brought over the necessary tools so we could continue.

I almost felt sick while dismantling the siphon. That unidentifiable, disgusting smell was simply unbearable. I was very relieved when I finally managed to take down the old sink.

In the evening, I had to take a break because at 6:00 PM, I was going to the trance dance at the Kulturfabrik with Judith. My mother initially drove home to get paint so we could paint the wall and the baseboard behind the old sink cabinet.

When I arrived at the Kulturfabrik, I walked up the stairs, went down the hall to the right until the end, and entered a large empty room. There were round cushions on the floor, and in the middle stood a decoration with a candle.

In a side room, behind a white curtain, I discovered Judith at the window. On a black sofa that stood there, two beautiful goddesses were sitting.

We greeted each other, and I introduced myself to the two goddesses, who also told me their names. I sat down on the sofa, and we engaged in a brief small talk before the event began.

The two were, like me, there for the first time. From them, I learned that they had become aware of the event through a Telegram group. "Consciousness, Hildesheim," I noted down to later download Telegram and join this group.

Shortly afterward, more goddesses of different ages and two men joined us.

At exactly 6:00 PM, we gathered in a circle. I sat next to Tara's friend. Now I saw that tarot cards were spread out in front of us in the circle.

“Looks like we’re about to summon a demon,” I joked while Judith lit something Astartian.

It was definitely not incense. It smelled like burning wood. She passed us this glowing branch, and we could think of and express everything that was on our hearts before the dance began.

“I am Alexander. This is also my first time here, and I became aware of this event through Judith's flyer. I actually already knew Judith, but that's another story,” I shared with a smile. “I love to dance freely. It's not about dancing in a way that pleases others but about dancing in a way that feels good, like my body wants to move,” I explained, referring to my old quote.

First, we did a body scan. We spread out in the room, and it didn’t matter whether one lay down or sat. I decided to lie down.

“But the music will be turned up louder, right?” I asked because the very quiet background music would never motivate me to dance. I need at least a certain volume to stimulate me to dance.

“Yes, it will get louder,” Judith replied, and the others laughed.

Judith guided our attention from the tops of our heads down to our toes.

I heard the music gradually get louder. I briefly opened my eyes and saw that Judith was increasing the volume. With my eyes closed, I was now ready to dance as if in a trance.

But I lay there almost motionless. Several songs passed, and I couldn’t bring myself to dance. It was strange music to which I had never truly danced, and my body didn’t seem to respond to it.

Instead, the image of Tara flashed repeatedly in my mind's eye, who was directly behind me. I didn’t know exactly what she was doing because most of the time I had my eyes closed to avoid giving the impression that I was watching the others in their trance dance. I stood up briefly, went to the adjoining room, had a drink, and returned to my place. When I saw Tara upon my return, my heart raced.

I knelt on the floor as a gentle song began. My movements became more intense. As soon as the danceable song ended and another piece started, to which I couldn't dance, I knelt down again. I repeatedly drew the name "Tara" on the floor with my finger, and each time the letters grew larger and larger.

Then a love song began, Judith's favorite song, which she dedicated to self-love. But I felt this song as an expression of my love for Tara, right at that moment. I felt my eyes begin to well up.

At the end of this song, I heard Judith's voice announcing that the two hours were already over. Just as I had started to become aware of this trance-like state spreading throughout my entire body, time was up. What a pity. It went by so quickly.

I looked around and noticed how the people around me were slowly returning to reality. Tara went into the other room, and I followed her to get something to drink.

“How did you find the event on a scale from one to ten?” I asked her.

She rated the event an eight out of ten, which matched my assessment. After a brief conversation, we went back into the dance room, where the others were still talking to each other. We went to the bathroom together, and Tara was first. When she came out, she smiled at me, and I smiled back before I went to the bathroom myself.

When I returned to the dance room, everyone was already sitting in a circle and waiting for me. I took my old seat next to Tara's friend.

I was deeply relaxed, and it felt wonderful to sit in a circle, holding the hands of others and closing my eyes to feel within myself. The love and connection with the others was simply breathtaking. It felt as if they were my true family.

My hand was cold compared to Tara's friend's hand, which felt very soft. I barely noticed the goddess's hand on my other side. With my eyes closed, I sat there and had Tara in her beautiful blue dress in my mind's eye. I tried to somehow feel Tara herself through the contact with her friend.

After this moment of stillness, Judith lit a fragrant stick again and passed it around. We were allowed to speak if something weighed on our hearts.

“My mind has been consuming me the whole time, telling me that I can't dance now, that my body doesn't want to move. But with the love song, my mind faded away, and I entered a trance-like state. What I then felt remains a mystery. Fate will reveal everything,” I said as I held the fragrant stick in my hands.

By “mystery,” I meant, of course, the love I felt for Tara. Whether she belongs in my life, whether we belong together, fate will show.

After the event, we sat together for a while, talking and munching on snacks we had brought. Tara first offered savory nuts with honey glaze to her friend and then to me. I took a few. Not because I particularly wanted to eat these nuts, but because I wanted an excuse to look at Tara while handing them over.

One by one, people said their goodbyes, until finally Tara and her friend left too. Around the same time, I wanted to leave as well, but I stayed for a minute longer to talk to a man I had hugged earlier, with the comment, “Men can hug too.” He told me that there would be a street festival in Hildesheim on the weekend. That sounded exciting; maybe I'll go.

When I finally left the dance room and stepped into the hallway, I saw Tara at the end of the corridor, who had noticed me and was holding the door open for me. I walked down the long corridor to her.

“Oh, even the door is being held for me. Thank you,” I said, smiling, when I reached her.

We went down the stairs outside. Tara took out a pack of tobacco.

Oh crap, she smokes, I thought. I didn't like that at that moment. I simply couldn't imagine being with a goddess who smokes regularly. But then the sentence came out of me: “Can I have one too? But I can't roll.” Oh man… Expecting something from others that I don't adhere to myself. Pfff.

“Sure, I'll roll one for you,” said Tara, holding a filter between her lips.

When we reached the bridge, she had finished rolling two cigarettes for me and her friend, but then she realized she had forgotten her lighter.

“Wait a moment, I have my plasma lighter with me,” I said and took it out of my backpack.

“Plasma lighter? Never heard of it,” Tara replied, surprised.

“It just generates a spark between two electrodes,” I explained.

The two looked at me skeptically.

“I studied physics,” I grinned.

We continued across the bridge, but then I realized I actually had to go the other way. We said goodbye with hugs, and I made my way home.

I felt a kind of infatuation within me. I wanted to go home now, lie down in my bed, turn on some relaxing music, and write about this experience, these feelings directly from my soul. Although it was really beautiful, there was a lingering discomfort in the background. What if I never see Tara again? I want to see her again so much. “Amor Fati, the love of fate,” I whispered comforting words to myself.

Just before I reached my apartment at half past eight, my mother called me. She was already waiting outside my apartment. It was sweet of her to want to help me, but I just wasn't in the mood to continue at that moment. I just wanted to lie down and dream about the most beautiful brunette goddess named Tara. But my mother wouldn't give in. She wanted us to finish setting up the kitchen today. But she could tell that my mood was somehow clouded. I just said that I was tired from the event. I didn't want to tell her about Tara because I didn't know if I'd ever see her again. My mother would definitely want to talk about marriage and living together... I wanted to avoid rolling my eyes, so I simply said I was tired.

Still, we actually managed to finish setting up the kitchen and paint the wall and the baseboard. I just need to connect the new siphon and the faucet now.

I am very grateful to my mother for helping me. Without her, the renovation would have been much more exhausting and expensive. Despite our regular arguments, I have the best mother in the world.