I feel deep satisfaction. My hair loss captured in a photo. Looking deeply into a stranger’s eyes.

October 24, 2024.

I was in bed yesterday at 8:30 PM and, before sleeping, listened to an interview with Ariane Zappe about microorganisms. This interview further solidified my belief that microorganisms are good. It also provided me with a new interpretation of illness: viewing illness as a learning process for the immune system.

I wake up and dictate into my phone's notepad: "It’s 1:57."

Instead, it appears on the screen as: "There’s a girl here."

I need to pee. I go to the bathroom in the dark. Then back to bed. I fall asleep quickly.

I dreamed of a school where the teacher controlled everything I did. I was eating a sausage during class and sharing it with others. The last piece, I placed in a young man’s mouth.

I woke up and fell asleep again.

I dreamed of Jule. We were shopping together, and then I asked if I could join her for dinner. She said yes, she wanted to have a dinner date with me. I was really happy about that and asked if I should bring something from the store while she stood near the exit. She said, “A rainbow ice cream, spirally wrapped.”

So I went to the ice cream section but couldn’t find this ice cream there. Then I went to a part of the store that wasn’t accessible to customers and where no products were supposed to be taken out. But I found a similar ice cream there and just ate it. Then the cashier from Espresso House (she always works there) came over and commented that I shouldn’t just take something because this area is unstaffed, and she would get in trouble if items went missing without payment.

I then told her, “You know me, I’m honest, and I’ll pay for it at the checkout.”

Meanwhile, I realize I’ve already eaten the ice cream and don’t even remember the name to mention it later at the register. All I remember is that it cost €2.20. Dream over.

I was awake by 7:50 AM. When I massaged, combed, and scratched my scalp and hair for the first time today, the extent of my hair loss became apparent over the sink. Through massaging, combing, shaking, and rubbing, quite a few hairs fell into the sink. Even though I feel a bit uneasy about it, I’ll still show you how many hairs there were…

The good thing is that they were almost all loose hairs from my head. Now if I pull on my hair, none more fall out. You can kind of mask hair loss this way by doing a daily morning massage and hair-shedding routine. 😄

Outside, it’s 5°C. I treated myself to a warm East Frisian tea before starting a day where I hope to learn many new things.

The sun gives me so much life energy, and I feel an unprecedented joy in life that I hadn't truly felt until 2023. I’m more emotionally balanced now—no more exhausting daily mood swings. From "I feel terrible" to "I feel pretty good," I now have a steady, content state of mind. Life feels much lighter, and I'm very grateful for this personal growth. 🙏

While drinking tea, I had an idea to simplify my journaling by creating templates for upcoming days on Mom’s laptop. That way, I don’t have to create them on my phone anymore, just fill them in. I went ahead and put this idea into action.

It’s 1 PM. I sat down at Café Rosso in town to soak up the sun. As I sat there, I reflected on what my skin might be trying to tell me mentally. I’m not really sure. Maybe I should simply accept my skin issues?

I head to Hanover. After spending some sunny time outdoors on campus, I settled in the “Café des Lesens” at Hugendubel and flipped through an intriguing book about the art of being a kind person, by René Borbonus, over a matcha latte.

I couldn't resist and ended up buying the book by Eckhart Tolle. Oops. 😇

On the way to my second Fluent Body Dance class, a man spoke to me and asked if I wasn’t cold, pointing to my bare feet. So kind of him to be concerned for my health. 😘 I replied, "No, on the contrary, I’m strengthening my immune system."

I was very surprised to see Judith at Fluent Body. She looks so beautiful. But somehow, our interaction is quite distant. Other than a "Hi," we have nothing to say to each other. I probably couldn’t be friends with her anyway. That would be a "false" friendship, as my heart (and perhaps other parts) would want more. But if fate keeps us apart, then it must be so. Amor Fati.

Today, I had an intense experience. When drawing energy from the ground up into my body, I felt a kind of release in my chest, as if an energetic blockage was being lifted. It was so overwhelming that, besides the sweat running down my temples, tears also began to flow. Elli touched me on the chest—she must have noticed it.

I thought the previous experience couldn’t be topped—but I was wrong. During the following partner exercise, I got paired with the only other man (besides myself).

As you know, I tend to be somewhat skeptical of men, as I often hold the prejudice that they are rough and insensitive. But today, I began to let go of this prejudice. During an exercise where we stood back-to-back and then slowly turned to face each other, we were asked to hold hands and look deeply into each other's eyes for about five minutes.

With each passing minute of looking into his brown eyes, I felt my heart begin to open. It was as though I forgot I was a man. My gender suddenly lost its significance, and I felt a deep connection with him. Although I identify as heterosexual, in that moment, it didn’t matter. The connection was so intense that I even had a curious impulse to kiss him.

After Ecstatic Dance, when I got home, it was almost 10 p.m. I lay down to sleep with a bag of chips.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t fall asleep. I just lay there, thinking about Lena, Julia, and Judith. At times, I lay there thoughtlessly, until a question popped into my head: how am I supposed to unite all the people? I asked God to grant me a superpower to help me accomplish this.

It was already 2 a.m., and I started listening to a podcast by Parua Esmahil, where she talked about the ego and Eckhart Tolle. Despite my appreciation for Martin Wehrle, who emphasizes not putting up with everything, I find Eckhart Tolle's approach—the letting go of the ego—the best solution for a content life, without losing respect from others.

The podcast introduced me to Ulrich Warnke, whom I hadn’t known before, but my first impression is very positive. It seems there is much I could still learn from him.

Today, I am grateful for:

• For the sun being out all day.
• For the tears I shed during Ecstatic Dance.
• For the opportunity to look deeply into a stranger's eyes. Such an intriguing experience!
• For now owning a book by one of my greatest inspirations, Eckhart Tolle. I accept this valuable possession as a minimalist. ❤️

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