Panic Attacks and Inner Emptiness

Autumn 2019. During this time, my relationship with Jule was a rollercoaster. In low phases, we didn't spend much time together. Like in September 2019. I spent most of my time in my room, trying to reach the "Diamond" rank in League of Legends ranked games. Winning a game triggered feelings of happiness. A loss, on the other hand, drove me to stay up late into the night, chasing the next victory. I was often home alone. Laura was never there or in her room, and my mother was regularly with her boyfriend Jochen. I didn't mind at all - on the contrary, it allowed me to play games at home undisturbed.

But this time, I seemed to push myself to the limit of loneliness. My mom and Laura were on vacation in Crete with Jochen, and I spent the entire week completely alone in the four walls. I never went out, not even for a short walk. I rarely showered and only ate toast in the morning, vegetarian pizzas from the freezer, and drank coffee all day long. The first three days alone went well. But on the fourth day, I woke up in the middle of the night. Drenched in sweat. My heart was racing, and I was terrified. Tightness in the chest. No matter how I lay down, I felt my neck vein pulsating. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I was on the verge of calling an emergency number. I got up, got a glass of water from the kitchen, and went to the balcony to get some fresh air. Half an hour later, I managed to calm down and fall back asleep. At that moment, I didn't know it was just the beginning of the worst month of my life.

The next morning, I woke up feeling empty inside. Somehow lethargic. I got up, brushed my teeth, made myself some toast, brewed coffee, and sat down at my desk to watch League of Legends pros play on YouTube while eating. This time I lost many games and therefore took a break to get out of this losing streak. I closed the game and continued watching YouTube videos while eating a vegetarian pizza that I had ordered from the kebab shop in Borsum.

After eating, I felt tired and lay down briefly on the bed. The sun was shining outside, and the sunbeams shone directly on my face. Staring into the blanket, I heard nothing but my breath. It was very quiet. Out of nowhere, my heart started racing. I put my hand on my chest and felt it beat faster, then slower again. I felt tightness in my chest again, and it was hard to breathe. I thought I was about to die. This time, the balcony and the water didn't help. I grabbed my phone, lay down on the living room floor because I felt hot and dizzy. I hesitated to call for help. My mind told me it wasn't serious enough. It was just my imagination. I had already experienced the milder form a few years ago. Instead, I called the medical emergency service. After that, I managed to calm down a bit. But my heart kept beating fast. I lay on the floor until after thirty minutes the doorbell rang. It was the doctor with a medical assistant. I invited him into the apartment. I explained my current health condition to him. I had calmed down, but I still felt the rapid heartbeat in my chest without touching it. In the living room, sitting on the sofa, he measured my blood pressure and pulse.

"You have a pulse rate of 190, you need to go to the hospital immediately," the doctor said to me.

I became somewhat worried. He ordered a taxi for me and gave me a voucher with which I could go to the emergency room for free. He stayed with me for a while, asking me about my life until the taxi arrived. I packed a few clothes in my backpack in case I had to stay longer in the emergency room, and the taxi driver took me to the emergency room. There, after registering, I was x-rayed, and then lying on a bed, connected to various devices, the purpose of which I didn't know. After the examination, I lay there alone in a room, waiting for hours until I received my results. I felt calm in that security. Eventually, a medical assistant came to tell me that there was nothing abnormal. So I took a taxi back home.

Jule was writing her master's thesis at this time, and I didn't want to disturb her. Therefore, I spent this last night before mom came back alone. I was afraid to go to sleep because I knew what awaited me. I stayed up late into the night playing games until I eventually became so tired that I almost fell asleep on the keyboard while dozing off.

With my eyes wide open, I woke up sweating on my back. My arms were stretched out to the sides. One arm hung over the edge of the bed. It felt like in this position I had opened a gateway to my soul, and anyone could penetrate it. Quickly, I pulled my arms and legs together, turned to face the wall, and covered myself with the blanket up to my head. I felt the pulse at my wrist under the pillow. I took my hand out and placed it between my legs. Here, I felt the pulse even more. The pounding seemed to remain the same, but my heart was racing. I felt it again without touching it. Fear of death overwhelmed me. I tried to think of a beautiful beach, but this image was replaced by the massacred face of Regan. "God, please help me," I prayed, "please, I don't want to anymore," I said almost crying. It worked. Shortly after, I became tired again and fell asleep.

I was awakened by the doorbell. The alarm clock showed eleven o'clock. Mom was back from vacation. I told her everything, and she was surprised that I hadn't told her earlier. I didn't want to bother her during her vacation. I knew for sure that if I had told her I was in the emergency room, she would have taken the next flight home. This night, even though I wasn't alone this time, didn't get any better. I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling a sense of impending doom and palpitations so severe that I woke my mother. She couldn't calm me down, and I felt so dizzy that I had to lie down on the floor to avoid falling. My mother called an ambulance. Shortly after, I calmed down a bit. The irregular pounding in my chest was still noticeable. When the doctor arrived, he gave me the beta-blocker medication, which significantly reduced my pulse. After his visit, I was able to fall asleep again. I took this medication in combination with a sleeping pill for the next few days.

The avoidance of nightly fear of death by medication transferred to the day. The joy of life disappeared day by day. I sat on the balcony. The sun warmed my face with its rays. But I just sat there, staring into the distance, feeling empty inside. With effort, I occasionally tried to enjoy watching an insect on a flower, but it didn't work. I saw no purpose in my existence. I couldn't even bring myself to play games. I, who could eat incessantly, had hardly any appetite for anything. "You have to eat," insisted Mom, and I forced myself to take a few bites. I had no motivation for anything. I didn't want to go on living. The days were a painless torture.

When Jule messaged me on WhatsApp that we could meet again, I told her about my emotional state and what had happened. She was somewhat upset with me for not telling her. She came to me on the same day to support me. Mom took time off, and we went together to the cardiologist, who performed a long-term ECG. I had to wear a measuring device on my chest for twenty-four hours, even during karate training. Result of the ECG examination: An average of 90 per minute during the day, frequencies of 100 to 160 per minute during physical activities. An average of 82 per minute at night. No significant incidence of atrial and ventricular extrasystoles. No pauses over 3 seconds.

I was surprised that my heart rate during the long-term ECG at night showed no abnormalities. The doctor recommended that I stop taking the beta-blockers and see if it improved. Despite Jule's presence at night, I woke up and had palpitations with a sense of impending doom again. She came closer to me, hugged me. "Saschi, everything's okay. I'm here for you," she comforted me and placed her hand on my chest. It was easier to calm down with her by my side. This time, we didn't have to make an emergency call.

Over the next few days, we did a lot together with Mom, Jule, and Laura occasionally. Jule took time off to be with me. We were regularly out in the sun, walking in the forest, discovering beetles and beautiful flowers, sometimes eating ice cream, playing badminton or cards on a meadow, and in the evening, when the fear of sleeping became stronger again, we did yoga together in the living room to relax. Before going to bed, I watched "Big Bang Theory" with Jule and took valerian. Mascha and Tobi also came for coffee more regularly.

Everyone was there for me over the next few weeks. Occasionally, I could laugh again. Over the course of these weeks, thanks to Jule's presence, I learned to control my nocturnal panic attacks. During the day, I could eat normally again. Gradually, over several weeks, I recovered. Jule went back to Hanover to write her master's thesis. By now, I could sleep through the night without panic attacks. It was the worst mental state of my life, which I had overcome thanks to my loved one. I had probably not yet reached the event horizon of the black hole.

Most of the time, without knowing that there are effective ways to counteract depression, I fall into the same habitual activities that worsen depression every day: staying up late (usually also sitting in front of the screen and being bombarded with noise), eating late, eating unhealthy food, sleeping late, not exercising, completely isolating myself socially, not cuddling, chasing cheap dopamine kicks through video games, and then not exposing myself to the sun.

I cannot expect to get out of depression with the same lifestyle that led me into depression. I need to completely overhaul my life as quickly as possible. I should consider the body's circadian rhythm, which means specifically: going to bed early enough and not eating anything for a few hours beforehand, exposing myself to direct sunlight daily. It's best to do something sporty outside with family or good friends, never talk about negatives, be in nature, and do yoga. This way, I will quickly get rid of the developing depressive mood.

In the morning upon waking up and before going to bed, negative thoughts are often particularly bad; it helps to wash these thoughts away coldly. Persistence is important. From day to day, the new habits will establish themselves, and the depression will be destroyed as a result.

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