ONS wasn't good for me. Why I don't want a relationship with me. Am I suitable for polyamory?

December 23, 2023. At 12 PM, I took a taxi to Jahnplatz again. The trip from Wunstorf to home cost me 82 euros. Lara, Lina, and Helen were sitting in the kitchen. I had a piece of cake and some small muffins and gave Lina her birthday present.

Helen talked about her seminar, where she learned that women form emotional bonds with men through both communication and sex, while men only form emotional bonds through sex. I found this astonishing because I wasn't aware of it, but somehow it was true, at least in my case.

At 1 PM, I was at Café Coffee Time and ordered a decaf latte. I waited at the counter for my coffee and looked outside. It started to rain even harder. The brunette waitress, who has been serving me regularly lately, came into Coffee Time just as I was placing my order. She smiled at me. As she walked past me, I said, "No smoothie this time."

"What then?" she asked, grinning.

"A decaf latte."

"Ah, not bad, for a change," she replied and disappeared behind the counter into the side room.

I read the book "Non-Conformists" that Lina had lent me. A sentence stuck with me, which is also confirmed by research: "In the long run, we regret not what we do, but what we don't do."

Then I learned that procrastinating tasks brings a boost of creativity. You acknowledge the task and consciously postpone it to give your brain the opportunity to come up with more creative solutions. Interesting, I thought, so this is how you can justify procrastination.

At 2:16 PM, I left Coffee Time and bought a calzone. From Kröpcke, I took the tram home.

At home, I researched what types of relationships exist. Somehow, I am desperate. I don't know what I want emotionally. Whether a committed relationship would be good for me or if I would prefer to stay single. I think I need to be at peace with myself first. First, learn to be content without a relationship.

Would I want to be in a relationship with someone like me? No, because I wouldn't like it if my partner, assuming I'm aiming for a monogamous relationship, goes out partying alone. I wouldn't like it if my partner was looking for a one-night stand there. I wouldn't like it if my partner approached other people with a great ass to go out with them.

And if I aim for a polyamorous relationship? I think that would be fine with me. But I realize as I write that I would develop intense jealousy if my partners did that. Unless I could distract myself with other activities or women in my life. But would that be a good solution? I don't think distraction is a good solution.

At 7:15 PM, I was at Espresso House at the train station, waiting with a cup of hot chocolate for the 8:30 PM train to Harsum. I'll stay in Borsum over Christmas.

It was 8:10 PM when a blonde sat at the table in front of me. She ordered a ginger tea. She looked very pretty. When she looked up, she didn't really look at me. But she kept looking at her phone. I don't know. No, I'm not going to talk to her.

"May I sit at your table?" suddenly asked a brunette with a huge suitcase from the side.

"Yes, sure," I replied, smiling.

• Bowel movements: 1 PM (firm), 3:30 PM (firm).
• Food: 12 PM (small muffins, three apricots, orange, two bananas), 10 PM (tomatoes with lamb’s lettuce and linseed oil, plus two slices of bread with cheese and vegan salmon).
• Physical feeling: Good, but tired from partying. Dry flakes on the mustache.
• Mood: Okay.

Learnings:

1. One-night stands are not good for me.
2. Procrastinating a task leads to more creative solutions.